Is there something on my face? On my chest? You keep looking at me weird, dude, like there’s something different about my body. I’m just standing here, drinking my coffee, and you’re gawking at me like I’m some sort of specimen.
Is it my hair? It’s my hair, isn’t it. Damnit. I knew it. I’ve been trying this special new product, supposed to work wonders on your hair. And not just that; on the bottle they said it can even improve the rest of your head. Deepen your eyes, widen your smile, whiten your teeth. Maybe it will give me a little stubble, you know how much I’ve longed to grow my beard out.
What? Not my hair? Is it my chest? You know I’ve been trying to bulk up. Been trying this new protein formula. Newly discovered enzyme. Said to send your muscle growth through the roof. I’ve seen pics of guys online using it, and they’re fuckin’ jacked bro. Looming pec shelfs, six pack abs, adonis belts. Not my chest? Guess it just hasn’t kicked in for me yet.
Then what is it? Is it my arms? I wouldn’t be surprised. I bought these new tank tops last week. They’re supposed to accentuate your arm muscles. No, actually accentuate them. Guys online say they’ve measured their biceps, and their arms literally got bigger after wearing the tank top for several days. I’ve been wearing them for a little over a week now and I haven’t noticed any changes. Have you? Is that what you’re staring at?
No? Then what?? It can’t be my ass, can it? You checking out my ass? I don’t know why you would be. I bought this jockstrap yesterday. Magical one or something. Can you believe that? Magical jockstrap. Fuck me. Dude online said it gives you a bubble butt, but I think it’s horse shit. My ass hasn’t gotten any larger… has it?
Then what are you looking at?? The only thing left to look at would be my dick, but you can’t even see it behind this towel. It’s not like you’re missing out on much. I’m not really a grower or a shower. I know they say it’s not about the size of the boat, but I’ve always wondered what it would be nice to have a big dong. That’s why I’ve been drinking so much of this fucking coffee lately. Something about male enhancement, boosting testosterone…
C’mon, man. You’ve gotta tell me. You’re eyes are going everywhere and you’re standing there dumbstruck like you’ve just seen a celebrity. It’s just me, man! Your old buddy, standing here in my towel, sipping my coffee, enjoying the morning breeze brush over my back, on my shoulders. Feeling the wind running through my hair, drafting up my towel.
Fuuuuck that feels good. Maybe this coffee is working; I’m getting horny as shit.
Say man, why don’t you help a brother out? Nothing too crazy, maybe just stroke me off a bit, fool around. You don’t have to suck it—I know there’s not a whole lot there to put your mouth around.
Yes? Wow. Someone’s excited. I don’t see why you’re so eager, man. I’m just an average dude. Average dick, average face, average hair. Average body…
Oh well. Guess it was worth the try.
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