New Identity (ASK)

Yikes. Your ex boyfriend sounds like a piece of work. After all, how can he be mad at you if you’re not going out anymore? Isn’t that not technically “cheating?”

But that’s beside the point: what you need is an exit strategy, and you need it fast. Fortunately, I do very well with witness protection. The tricky thing is, you’ll be taking on the persona, mannerisms, and even thoughts of a completely different person. We can’t have you slipping up, or else your boyfriend will find you. We’ll need to completely re-work you from the inside out. You’ll still be able to retain your memories, but everything else will be new.

And very, very hot.

First, you need muscles. Lots of muscles. You’ll need a body that people won’t be able to stop looking at. Because isn’t the best place to hide in plain sight? Don’t bother going to the gym. You’re in a rush, so just take these supplements here.

I know, they taste like shit, but look at yourself! Look at those biceps starting to fill those sleeves of yours. Look at the marble abs leading down toward your long luscious dick. Look at your thighs—man. I sure hope your psycho ex never tires to pull anything on you; you could crush a grown man beneath those things.

Feeling a little more safe? We’re only getting started. These pills should help change your look. Even with these titanic pecs to distract me, I can still recognize you. But don’t worry, I can already start to see the changes taking effect; your skin darkening, your hair receding into your soul. How about some 5 o’clock shadow? Maybe some nice big lips. What you do with them is entirely up to you, but one things for sure: your ex is never going to recognize you as a big, african american bodybuilder.

Now comes the tricky part. We have to change the way you see yourself. You have to put aside your past interests, your past talents and opinions. I know it sounds hard, but just listen to the sound of my voice, and I promise you it will be over soon:

Your name is Jerome. You live in an apartment with your roommate, who you also occasionally sleep with. You work in IT, but you spend most of your time down at the gym pumping up that adonis body, getting your muscles bigger so you can attract more dudes. You’re a normal guy by day, but a sex god by night.

Alright, Jerome, how do you feel? Like you want to go back to the gym? That’s what I figured. It’s who you are after all. You don’t have to worry about that psycho ex boyfriend of yours, though it’s not like he’ll ever recognize you anyway.