Power Lifter (ASK)

Power lifting, huh? You might have just picked the biggest, beefiest sport of all. A giant, grunting strongman lifting three times his weight is about as far from “twink” as you can get. So to make you the greatest, burliest, and cockiest powerlifter of all time, we’re going to have to get you very, VERY far way from “twink.”

The good news is, I can make you bigger and burlier with just the snap of my fingers. There, that easy. The bad news? Well, basically everything else. Being a powerlifter is no cake walk, sweetheart. I bet as a twink you were going to the gym, what, two or three times a week? Get ready to spend every day there. All day. And you won’t just be running on the treadmill either. To maintain your new strongman body, you’ll need to be lifting. Constantly.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much; I designed your arms to withstand an insane amount of stress. How are they holding up? Tired? I thought so.

Maybe it’s time for some rest. How about a nice warm meal? Or shall I say “meals.” If you wanna keep that muscle gut you were going on about, you’re going to have to gorge yourself with food every chance you can get.

You new stomach should be able to take it, but I don’t envy you for all the time you’ll spend sitting in front of a table stuffing yourself with protein, shoving plates of ribs into your face, barbecue sauce clinging to your increasingly grisly beard. That’s what your life is going to be from now on.

Lift. Eat. Repeat. Lift. Eat. Repeat. Lift. Eat. Repeat.

And as you do, you should start to feel something else. A proudness that keeps your chest puffed and your chin square—even when you’re not deadlifting 850. That’s the real key to being a strongman, the real key to being a huge, muscle athlete: ego. And by the time you’ve finished your training, you’ll have more than enough of it to spare.

Now clear that head of yours. Make sure your grip is tight. Arch your back and stick out that fat muscle ass. Take a deep breath, and as you lift up, let out a big, loud grunt.

GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH

Not much of a twink anymore, are we?