What is it? What do you mean “what is it?” You’re looking at the only reason anyone ever plays football in the first place!
Don’t tell me you didn’t know. You really think human beings are naturally able to play a sport that involves ramming into each other at insane speeds with dangerous force, over and over and over again? Don’t be ridiculous. Football wouldn’t exist without that tiny bottle you’ve got in your hands.
Sometime around the turn of the century, us humans discovered a special formula that rapidly increased muscle growth, but decreased mental function. We couldn’t weaponize it, obviously. What good is a super soldier if he’s dumb as a rock? But we weren’t going to let this special concoction go to waste. Scientists quickly discovered that test subjects were more useful with a ball than they were with a gun and… voila! Football was invented.
That’s right: every football player you’ve ever known, every star quarterback you’ve ever looked up to, ALL of them were given this formula at one point or another. Don’t believe me? Step right up, and see for yourself.
As you take your shirt off and our special masseur begins to administer the concoction, you may be asking yourself: why so little? Let me tell you, a little goes a long way with this shit. NFL players are given a very, very small dose. Of course, they don’t have a long way to go; most aspiring football players are already pretty dumb and pretty buff. Seeing as you are neither, I’ve decided to give you a tiny bit extra.
And even then, I might have gone a little overboard…
Pretty incredible, right? Just moments ago, you were a total geek who couldn’t tackle if his life depended on it. Now, you’re practically a god. Muscles on top of muscles, body fat in the single digits, and a glazed look in your eyes that suggests the mental portion of the transformation has already started to kick in.
But we’re just getting started. While you’re busy fixating on those ever-growing pecs, you may fail to notice your arms, which are now the size of footballs themselves. Perfect for chucking a ball down a hundred yards of field. You may fail to notice your ass, two pillow-y cheeks of pure muscle and fat, a perfect cushion for next time you get tackled to the ground. Not that that’s going to happen anytime soon; you may fail to notice your height. You’re 6’6’’ of indestructible brute force, a far cry from the quiet nerd who was standing here just a few minutes ago.
You may fail to notice anything now, as your mind gets hazier and hazier. It’s hard to think about anything other than that ball. Oh, and speaking of “hard” and “balls,” the formula comes with another side effect I forgot to mention. You may fail to notice your package getting bigger and bigger, now proportional to your unbelievably huge body.
I don’t think it’ll be long before you notice that, however. Once you do, you’ll probably wanna spend some time playing with yourself before playing the game. I wouldn’t feel too embarrassed. Everyone transformed by this formula needs a day or two to “adjust,” a term which here means: “fucking everything with a pulse.”
I’m sure some of your old teammates will be happy to volunteer when they see your new “massive gainz.” Now you’re ready to play some real football.
