Of course! I never pass up an opportunity to help someone reconnect with their cultural heritage, and I certainly always have something for the job.
And for this job, I know just the thing...
Ever tried beard oil? Well, I doubt you’ve ever tried anything quite like this. A few drops of this sucker will unlock all your dormant Russian genes—and I mean all of them.
Translation: if you don’t have a drop of Russian blood running through your veins, nothing much will happen (though your beard will be nice and shiny!)
But if you do? Ohhhhh man, the changes I’ve seen guys go through after using this…
I once lent this bottle to a friend of mine. He said his family was all from China, so I just assumed he didn’t have any Russian heritage. Turns out: his great, great grandmother had fucked a sexy Russian lumberjack, and nobody knew!
Ten minutes later, he looked like this:
Yup. This is some potent-ass shit. I would argue some of the most potent shit I own.
As such, you’re gonna wanna start with just ONE drop. It might not feel like very much, but trust me when I say: you need to start slow. One drop will change you enough to give me a sense of how much Russian blood you have. From there, I can calculate a proper dose.
So, are you ready to find out just how Russian you really are?
Love it. Let’s get you started with that first drop… alrighty sir… great! Next, I’m gonna need you to gently massage that into your beard…
Fantastic. Now, you probably won’t see that many changes on this first go. Like I said, this is really just to gauge how deep your Russian roots go, and—
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*
Holyfuckingshit.
Ummm… okay, so don’t freak out but… fuck how to put this delicately? Well, the good news is that you’ve definitely unlocked some Russian genes!
The bad news? Ugh… do you own any XXXL shirts? Cus I think that’s all you’re gonna be able to wear from now on.
Don’t look at me like that! I thought you had a couple drops of Russian blood, not a goddamn bucket! Besides, you’re the one who wanted to “release my inner Russian beast.” Is this not exactly what you asked for?!
Aaaaaaand you can’t even tell what I’m saying. Great. I’ve really got to brush up on my Russian.
Okay, so we learned a couple things about your heritage, didn’t we? Like every single male relative of yours has spent time in a Siberian prison. That’s the only other place I’ve seen tats like those. We also know all your male relatives were engorged muscle monsters with 10-inch cocks and literal pelts of hair…
Jesus. I can only say this right now because you don’t understand a lick of English but… you look unreal, man. Like inhumanly large. How are you even going to fit through doors? Or bend your arms??
I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start simple, like finding you some new clothes. Hopefully ones that fit.
Great, so it looks like sleeveless shirts and gym shorts for the foreseeable future. Congratulations.
This is rough. I haven’t seen size like this in ages. You got so big, it looks like you could pop at any moment.
These fucking Russians are so obsessed with breeding the biggest, burliest men, and now you’ve got all their DNA balled up in one, ridiculously huge body. You’ve inherited the brute strength of a hundred Russian strongmen, and from that doughy look on your face, it looks like you’ve inherited their less-than-staggering intellect as well, no offense. Not that you even know what I’m saying.
Christ. What to do, what to do… I guess the only option now is to stick you on a plane and send you back to the motherland, let you really reconnect with those “Russian roots.” Maybe someone there will recognize one of your tats and take you in. Maybe you’ll have a stellar career as a professional bodybuilder, or end up in a Siberian prison yourself. Either way: not my problem.
I did leave you this nice, sleeveless sweater though. Thought it was apropos. It gets pretty cold up there in Russia, but I think between all that scruff and all that muscle, you’ll feel right at home.
Have a nice flight! (and that goes for the poor guy crammed next to you. I’m so sorry dude… or you’re welcome 😏)
