The Perfect Resume (ASK)

Sounds like you’re at the wrong job then. You’d be surprised how much of an impact a certain job can have on your body goals. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how many protein shakes you down, how many reps you do at the gym; if you’re sitting in an office behind a computer half the day, your body is going to resist changing as much as possible.

Which is why I am going to help you… with your resume.

Ha! Didn’t expect that, did you? Don’t worry, you’re still going to get the body you always wanted. But to get that, you’ll need a good career, and how can you expect to get a good career when your previous employment hasn’t—how shall I say?—played to your talents.

Like any good resume, we start with the education. Let’s see… hmm… not half bad. College degree, high school diploma. Both of those will have to go.

I’m sorry! You think anyone with a body of a god spent any time around books, studying? Hell no. Trust me, the more we take out of this education section, the better your options will be. See! Look how much you’ve changed already!

No, that muscle wasn’t there before. Not that I’d expect you to notice. Attentiveness wasn’t your strong suit. Might have been why you kept flunking out of school. Don’t remember that? Of course you don’t.

But you do remember weight training class, right? It was always your favorite. Instead of hitting the books, you decided to hit the gym. Early. And frequently. It didn’t take you long before the gym hired you on as a personal trainer. See? It’s right there: your first job reference:

PERSONAL TRAINER (4 years)

• Worked with gym members on weight and wellness training.
• Assisted in various managerial duties.

(That last one was fake, seeing as you didn’t even know what a “spreadsheet” was. But you know how these resumes go; embellish a bit here and there…)

But hey! Look at you now! Not so bad for a personal trainer.

And we haven’t even gotten into your real experience. You didn’t think you’d stay at that gym forever,

did you?

No, for someone with a small mind, you’ve always dreamed big. Dreamed of being a bodybuilder, on

the cover of Men’s Health Magazine. And you know what? What better thing to have on an application

than professional bodybuilding?

I don’t know if it’s a “job” per sea, but it certainly looks nice, doesn’t it?

BODYBUILDER (5 years)

• Appeared and performed at numerous competitions across the country, winning several awards and even appearing on the cover of Men’s Health magazine.

Now that’s what I call a reference. Who wouldn’t want to hire someone with that kind of exposure? Speaking of exposure, I don’t know why you’re still hiding under that tank top. Building a new career involves more than drafting up this silly document; you’ve got to really sell your image.

There you go. Feel better? I thought you might.

Now, every resume has gotta have a curveball. You’ve got to show people that you’re flexible, that you can do many different things. Though, in this case, you’ve got to be flexible in a very literal sense.

Don’t you remember those couple of years after quitting the gym? When you were still trying to make your name as a bodybuilder but were strapped for cash? A guy will do anything to get a couple of bucks, and when you’ve got a body that pretty, there’s really only one other thing you can do:

EROTIC DANCER (2 years)

• Performed at nightclubs all across town.
• Experienced in pole-dancing, go-go, and stripping.

Relax, it was only a two years… or three… or five…

Okay fine. You still go back to the nightclub now and again. Not that you need the cash though. You just do it for fun. You like the sound of the house music throbbing in your ears, the feeling of hands as they graze your skin, slipping wads of cash down your pants. You try your best to keep a low profile, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Besides, you’re really, really good.

Fuck, look at that body move. Hell, you might not even need this resume. Just bust out those magic hips, and you can have pretty much any job—or anything you want.

But it will be good to have just in case. Besides, it’s not like you’d ever be able to draft up a resume on your own. Better stick to lifting and stripping. Trust me when I say the career possibilities are endless.