Patriots

Welp, it’s that special time of year again. Time to fire up the barbecue, set off some fireworks, and celebrate this “great” country. 

How are YOU celebrating your 4th of July? Maybe getting together with some close friends and family? (six feet apart, obviously.) Maybe you’ll stay at home and watch some of your favorite, patriotic movies? (Top Gun, anyone?)

Here at The Changing Room, we’re all about celebrating in more... ahem... intimate ways. And so this Independence Day, we’re offering YOU the chance to celebrate in the body of a true patriot, to experience the most important day in US history through the eyes of one of America’s strongest (and hottest) heroes.

Sound like fun? Fantastic! Let’s take a look at your options...

First up, we’ve got CHAD. 

Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Another dumb, hot, blonde, all-American jock. But I promise you, Chad here isn’t your garden variety dumb hot blond all-American jock: he is the DUMBEST, the HOTTEST, the BLONDEST (literally and figuratively), and the most AMERICAN jock of all. 

Don’t believe me? Hear this: Chad dreamt his whole life of joining the American soccer team. He built his body to total physical perfection. Washboard abs, thick, juicy pecs, and tree-trunk legs so powerful, he could run the length of a field in a matter of seconds. Chad quickly becoming the best soccer player in his rural midwestern town. Before long, he was the best in the state. Then, the whole country.

Of course, this meant having to drop out of high school. But like... who needs a stupid diploma when you could travel around the world playing sports? Unfortunately, Chad’s grand tour with the American soccer league didn’t last very long. He was notorious for being a total dick out on the field, and his dick was notorious for finding its way into every woman who fell for his impossibly good looks... including the coach’s daughter.

So Chad is back in the US of A, coaching soccer to middle schoolers all day, and fucking the shit out of their moms all night. This might not be the life he envisioned, but at least he’ll never run out of thirsty soccer moms to bang. So long as his muscles stay as hard as his cock.

Wanna take Chad for a spin? Or maybe he’s not your cup of tea. No problem-o! We’ve got plenty of patriots for you to choose from. How about...

KEVIN here is a real patriot. Unless serving three tours in Afghanistan doesn’t make you a true American hero.

Kevin came from a huge military family; his dad served in Vietnam, his grandfather in WWII. So it only seemed right that Kevin enter the “family business” per-sea. He enlisted right out of high school, and quickly became one of the best soldiers in his devision. 

But just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to love it. So while Kevin was racking up confirmed kills like nobodies business, the guilt was becoming too much to bear. It didn’t help that Kevin was deep in the closet. He suspected that if his superiors found out, he wouldn’t be treated with the same amount of respect. 

Unfortunately, he was right. Kevin was relentlessly mocked after finally deciding to come out, and he left active duty shortly there-after. But don’t worry, Kevin is doing great now! At least, he’s going great as a gay porn star. It was the only stable work he could find after leaving the military, but it turned out to be the perfect job for Kevin. 

How does that saying go... “make love, not war?” Turns out Kevin could make love about 1000x better than war—and that’s saying something. Kevin is a BEAST under the sheets. He built his body to be the perfect killing machine, so you can only imagine how sexy he looks destroying some thirsty twink’s gaping hole.

He’s a lot happier too. He even found a boyfriend: a fellow veteran named Michael. If you think Kev looks great underneath all that camo, just wait until you see him and Michael in bed together!

So, do you wanna spend this 4th with Kevin & Michael? No? Maybe this next patriot will be to your liking...

Oh c’mon. You don’t recognize him? That’s CAPTAIN AMERICA, you dumbass! Steve Rodgers! Ring any bells??

To be fair, he might look a little... ugh... different since you last saw him. Yup, Cap’s gone through a few “alterations” in the last couple years to make him a better patriot. Nothing major: just some muscle growth enhancements, testosterone boosters, intelligence blockers...

Hey, don’t worry! He’s still the same, America-loving Avenger you know and love. As a matter of fact, Cap loves America even MORE now that they’ve removed all those pesky personal thoughts and opinions. He’ll do anything for his country now. Literally anything.

Not convinced? Well, just wait ‘till you see what those testosterone boosters did under his shorts. Now, he’s got America’s ass, AND America’s dick. He’ll dominate anyone in bed—even the Hulk! Who doesn’t wanna spend their 4th of July fucking the Hulk?

Of course, Steve isn’t exactly on the best terms with the rest of the Avengers at the moment. They’re under the delusion that he’s been “brainwashed” or that he’s become some “pawn” in an increasingly militarized state. But, c’mon guys; this is Captain America we’re talking about here! There’s no way his own country would kidnap him, wipe his mind, and transform him into some dumb, obedient, bloated muscle monster... right? 

Anyway, the choice is yours: which all-American hero will you choose to be for our country’s very special day? Or maybe you’d rather choose to be yourself, and that’s okay too! Because being an American is about more than being some dumb, cocky, muscular beast... I think... 

Regardless, I wish all of you a safe and happy 4th of July! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going off to spend the rest of the day as Brock. Sure, he might be a huge Trump supporter, but I can’t think of any greater punishment for supporting that fascist pig than having some horny gay writer take over your body for 24 hours and sleep with every guy in town.

God, this is gonna be fun.