Sunday, December 5, 2021

Russian Roots (ASK)

 

Of course! I never pass up an opportunity to help someone reconnect with their cultural heritage, and I certainly always have something for the job.


And for this job, I know just the thing... 



Ever tried beard oil? Well, I doubt you’ve ever tried anything quite like this. A few drops of this sucker will unlock all your dormant Russian genes—and I mean all of them. 


Translation: if you don’t have a drop of Russian blood running through your veins, nothing much will happen (though your beard will be nice and shiny!)


But if you do? Ohhhhh man, the changes I’ve seen guys go through after using this…


I once lent this bottle to a friend of mine. He said his family was all from China, so I just assumed he didn’t have any Russian heritage. Turns out: his great, great grandmother had fucked a sexy Russian lumberjack, and nobody knew!


Ten minutes later, he looked like this:



Yup. This is some potent-ass shit. I would argue some of the most potent shit I own.


As such, you’re gonna wanna start with just ONE drop. It might not feel like very much, but trust me when I say: you need to start slow. One drop will change you enough to give me a sense of how much Russian blood you have. From there, I can calculate a proper dose.


So, are you ready to find out just how Russian you really are?


Love it. Let’s get you started with that first drop… alrighty sir… great! Next, I’m gonna need you to gently massage that into your beard…


Fantastic. Now, you probably won’t see that many changes on this first go. Like I said, this is really just to gauge how deep your Russian roots go, and—


*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*


Holyfuckingshit.


Ummm… okay, so don’t freak out but… fuck how to put this delicately? Well, the good news is that you’ve definitely unlocked some Russian genes! 


The bad news? Ugh… do you own any XXXL shirts? Cus I think that’s all you’re gonna be able to wear from now on.



Don’t look at me like that! I thought you had a couple drops of Russian blood, not a goddamn bucket! Besides, you’re the one who wanted to “release my inner Russian beast.” Is this not exactly what you asked for?!


Aaaaaaand you can’t even tell what I’m saying. Great. I’ve really got to brush up on my Russian. 


Okay, so we learned a couple things about your heritage, didn’t we? Like every single male relative of yours has spent time in a Siberian prison. That’s the only other place I’ve seen tats like those. We also know all your male relatives were engorged muscle monsters with 10-inch cocks and literal pelts of hair…


Jesus. I can only say this right now because you don’t understand a lick of English but… you look unreal, man. Like inhumanly large. How are you even going to fit through doors? Or bend your arms??

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start simple, like finding you some new clothes. Hopefully ones that fit.




Great, so it looks like sleeveless shirts and gym shorts for the foreseeable future. Congratulations. 


This is rough. I haven’t seen size like this in ages. You got so big, it looks like you could pop at any moment. 


These fucking Russians are so obsessed with breeding the biggest, burliest men, and now you’ve got all their DNA balled up in one, ridiculously huge body. You’ve inherited the brute strength of a hundred Russian strongmen, and from that doughy look on your face, it looks like you’ve inherited their less-than-staggering intellect as well, no offense. Not that you even know what I’m saying.


Christ. What to do, what to do… I guess the only option now is to stick you on a plane and send you back to the motherland, let you really reconnect with those “Russian roots.” Maybe someone there will recognize one of your tats and take you in. Maybe you’ll have a stellar career as a professional bodybuilder, or end up in a Siberian prison yourself. Either way: not my problem. 


I did leave you this nice, sleeveless sweater though. Thought it was apropos. It gets pretty cold up there in Russia, but I think between all that scruff and all that muscle, you’ll feel right at home.



Have a nice flight! (and that goes for the poor guy crammed next to you. I’m so sorry dude… or you’re welcome 😏)


Saturday, October 30, 2021

Monster Mash

 artwork by Celery Man

Officer Bron hated Halloween. 


Every year on the night of October 31st, the young cop would spend his whole evening running around and ruining everyone else’s. Confiscating alcohol from teens, breaking up huge house parties… not only was Bron not having fun, he was the reason no one else could have any fun either. He joined the force to make the world a safer place, not make people angry. On Halloween, he felt like a monster.


But that all changed when Bron got a call from some sleepy neighbors about a rowdy frat party at the Delta Sigma Gamma house. Here we go again, thought a tired and irritable Bron, who’d been the one to bust the Delta party three years in a row now. At this point, those guys probably wanted to see him dead. He couldn’t blame them.


Officer Bron pulled up to the frat house five minutes later. But much to his surprise, the windows were dark and the house was quiet. Not a single frat boy in sight. 


Weird. 


Bron hopped out of his cruiser and switched on his flashlight. Through the windows, he could see the inside of the house. It was empty. He marched up to the porch and gave a knock.


The door creaked open. 


“Hello?” Bron called out into the dark, empty house, “anyone home? We received a noise complaint from next door.”


Silence. Bron raised his flashlight, his other hand hovering just above his taser. Something didn’t feel right. Was this some sort of prank? Had the party ended early? Doubtful.


Bron crept through every room of the house. There had obviously been a party at some point that evening, as evidenced by the tacky decorations, the mess of empty beer cans all over the floor, and a bowl of blood red punch on the kitchen counter. 


Probably spiked, Bron thought. He dipped a single finger into the bowl. This is a bad idea. Checking to see if the punch was spiked served no real utility. If there were a party to bust, it had long finished, and the beer cans were grounds enough to charge the frat boys with possession. 


Bron gazed at the liquid clinging to his finger, shining in the light of his torch. It was far more viscous than your average punch. If it had been spiked, it wasn’t with alcohol. 


The officer gently dabbed his finger on his tongue. Just a little taste. A little taste never hurt anyone, right? 


Little did Bron know just how good the punch would taste, how the liquid warmed his throat like cinnamon and pulsed like sugar through his bloodstream. It felt… magical.


Bron looked around to make sure the kitchen was in fact empty. The coast was clear; it was just him and the bowl of punch.


So he went to town, dipping his fingers, then his hands, and eventually his whole face into the bowl, drinking as much of the punch as his stomach would allow. God. It felt so good. After years and years of being the party pooper, Bron was going to have a party all on his own. He’d earned that much. 


“So… delicious…” The warmth that began in his throat spread to every corner of his body. He felt held by the liquid, like it had always been a part of him, his very own blood re-entering his veins.


But along with the warmth came a feeling of discomfort. His uniform—perviously loose on his rangy body—now felt small and constricting. His muscles ached, the way they did after a long workout. The weirdest part? His teeth felt strange, particularly on the bottom row. 


Fuck.


The bowl dropped to the floor. It shattered, the remaining red punch spilling over the kitchen floor like a big pool of blood. What the fuck was he doing? Who knows what illegal substances he’d just ingested? LDS? Ecstasy? Or worse…


Bron stumbled through the dark house, his discomfort turning to all out pain. Something was happening to the young officer, something he could not understand, let alone see in the all-consuming blackness. All he could do was writhe in agony as his body began to change.


It started with his chest. Bron heard the threads of fabric squeezing and straining all over his torso. He ran frantic hands over his pecs, hoping that these sounds were just hallucinations. But to his dismay, Bron felt the uniform pulling apart between each button, and underneath, solid muscle, and thick, unfamiliar hair.


Bron got caught in a doorway as both shoulders shot out in either direction. His back had almost doubled in size, allowing his frame to accommodate for the enormous amounts of muscle he was packing on. The empty house echoed with pops and cracks as the very bones in Bron’s body began to grow and adjust. 


He fell to his hands and knees. There was just enough light creeping through a nearby window for Bron to see his arms transform. They quivered as new muscles snaked down through his biceps to his forearms, bringing with them the dusting of the dark hair that now covered his chest. 


To Bron’s horror, the muscles continued to grow. He could do nothing but watch as his biceps inflated past the point of acceptability, subjecting him to a future of tank tops and XXL shirts. What would the sherif down at the precinct say when sweet little Bron showed back up looking like an IFBB pro?


The growth spread to his lower section, and Bron involuntarily spread his knees to make way for the incoming muscle. Bron would be the first to admit that he skipped leg day, but now you would never be able to tell. The arrival of Bron’s thighs brought with it another series of pops and stretches, as his pants fought against the insane amount of mass now occupying them. He winced as his new size 14 feet tested the strength of his size 11 boots, and an ass that required years of focus and attention threatened to make a giant hole in the back of his uniform.


“Good evening officer,” came a voice from behind him. 


The room filled with light, and Bron brought his colossal forearm up to shield his eyes. Through the dense black arm hair, he could see dozens of faces now occupying the space. 


But these were unlike any faces Bron had ever seen. The first thing he noticed was the skin. Everyone in the room was bright green, like the Wicked Witch of the West. Protruding up from every mouth were two, horrible white fangs. No, they were more like tusks. Why did everyone have tusks?? 


“Neat costumes, wouldn’t you say?” A figure stepped out in front of Bron, “though I wouldn’t call them costumes. Not exactly.” 


A laugh reverberated through the crowd, and the officer instantly recognized the red varsity jacket and cocky stance of Chet Wheelhouse, the president of Delta Sigma Gamma and the most notorious party boy of the county. Bron and Chet had butted heads many times… but the Chet that stood before him now was almost unrecognizable, what with his lime green skin, mature muscular body and engorged dentures.  


“What… happened to… all of…. you… to… me…?”


“Shhhh,” Chet knelt down so that he was face-to-face with Bron, “it’ll all be over soon.” His breath was hot and musky, not the breath of a 20-year-old frat guy, but of something ancient, powerful, and deeply masculine. “Soon,” Chet continued in a voice that was almost a whisper, “soon you’ll be just like us.”


“NO!” Bron screamed, “I don’t… don’t wanna…”


“Don’t wanna what? Have fun??” Chet stood up and paced the room. “C’mon man. You’ve been busting our asses for years. Don’t you wanna let lose for a change? Have some fun?”


He wasn’t wrong: Bron did want to let lose. But not like this. He opened his mouth to retort, but stopped when a sharp pain shot up from the base of his jaw.


Oh god.


Bron knew what was coming. His body tensed, every muscle bracing for the arrival of his own tusks. His jaw cracked as it jutting out an extra inch from his head, and he felt as his teeth grew at an alarming pace. Out of the corner of his eye, Bron saw two flecks of white creep up from under his cheeks


“WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??” Bron cried, though the words were slurred and incoherent. Talking through these teeth was going to take some practice. But Bron didn’t have time to ponder the consequences of his fate, as he was already noticing his skin take on a green tint. 


This was it. Bron was about to become just like all the other frat boys—all of whom had likely consumed the same blood red punch. 


But his changes were not complete. As Bron entered the final stage of his transformation, he let out  primal growl, forcing everyone in the room to take a step back, Chet included. He looked down between his legs, and witnessed the bulge pressed up against his skin-tight pants inflated like a water balloon. 


He wanted to be scared. He wanted to be horrified that his dick was probably eleven inches and counting, that there wouldn’t be a pair of pants on earth that could conceal his embarrassing size. But more than anything, he just wanted to whip it out and pipe down every single guy in the room. This wasn’t garden variety horniness; Bron was overcome with what he could only describe as an animalistic urge to fuck.


Bron stood, now towering above every frat boy in the room. “Woah dude,” Chet said with a nervous laugh, “how much of that shit did you drink? We only took a cup each, and we—“ 


But Chet stopped short when he saw what Bron was doing. The officer, who now stood just under seven feet tall, unzipped his fly and freed the one eyed monster from his pants. Jaws dropped all around him, wide eyes taking in the sight of his fat, green cock. 


The crowd of giggling frat boys went dead silent. Bron’s voice boomed throughout the whole house, his authority as an officer of the law meeting the sheer power of his new, orc body: “So here’s how this is gonna go: you’re all gonna get on your knees and take care of this little problem I got right here,” he pointed at the dick swinging between his legs, “and I won’t say anything to the sherif about the illegal substances you’ve been handing out. Capeesh?” 


At around 3 A.M. the local police department received yet another noise complaint from the house next-door to Delta Sigma Gamma. Only this time, the complaint was not of loud, rambunctious partying, but of ecstatic moans and rhythmic thumping. “If I didn’t know any better,” said the neighbor on the call, “I’d say they were shooting a porno over there!”


She wasn’t far off. Bron spent his Halloween night fucking every member of Delta Sigma Gamma, dumping a bucket of cum inside each frat guy, and at least ten loads in poor Chet. By the time the sun rose, their transformations had faded away, and the morning patrol arrived at the house to find over a dozen frat guys, fast asleep, and covered in what was described in the police report as “bright green slime.” 


What they didn’t find, however, was officer Bron. No one really knows where the young officer disappeared to that night. But they still say that if you cause enough trouble on Halloween eve, you just might be visited by a hulking orc in a raggedy old officer’s uniform, hungry for justice, cum, and a good time.

Friday, October 22, 2021

No "Butts" (ASK)

 

You know what… I don’t believe I have! 


This is crazy; I’ve been around for a while now and I’ve turned guys into all sorts of shit, but I can’t name a single time I turned one of them into a butt! Which is tragic really because it can be a lot of fun (depending on who’s butt; some guys don’t know how to clean up down there).


But there’s a first for everything, right? Now, who’s ass would you like to be?


Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed that since you asked, you were the one looking to be transformed. Was this just meant to be a hypothetical question? A curious query? Well, let me walk you through some potential candidates so you can “ass”-ess your options. Perhaps I can change your mind…


First, let’s start with the classics:



Why not be any ordinary, run-of-the-mill ass when you could be America’s Ass? Yes, I am offering you the opportunity to be Captain America’s tush.


As you can imagine, Cap’s ass sees quite a bit of action—and I’m not just talking about fighting bad guys (though I must say he is one limber son of a bitch and that suit breathes like Egyptian cotton. You’re bound to have a great time either way).


No, I’m talking about the action Cap sees off the field. You’re kidding yourself if you don’t think all these ridiculously hot superheroes aren’t fucking each other senseless when they’re not off saving the world. All that pent up stress, all that athletic ability going to waste… the Avengers headquarters is basically one non-stop orgy, and while Cap might dominate the battlefield, his tastes in the bedroom are a little more…



Yeah, you get the idea. As Cap’s ass, you’ll be getting real familiar with Thor’s beard, Natasha’s strap on, and the Hulk’s you-know-what (trust me: it fits). Captain Rodgers won’t be able to suit up without someone’s load leaking out of your pretty pink hole, and get ready to have bright red handprints on your cheeks 24/7. That ass sees a lot of love… tough love. 


Butt wait! There’s more! If you think a real life superhero might be a bit too intense for a first time tourasst (yes, I just came up with that) why not one of the guys who plays one?



God went a little overboard when he designed Chris Hemsworth. Big biceps, big pecs, big Disney paychecks and, most importantly, a big fucking ass.


Being Chris Hemsworth’s butt means getting to sit in (or rather, be sat on) for all of his crazy Marvel workout sessions. You know what I’m talking about: those incessant instagram posts of Chris in various states of undress, sweating like a stuck pig, pumping iron as if he’s training for Mr. Olympia while some equally attractive personal trainer screams in his ear.



You’re hard just thinking about it, aren’t you? I sure as hell am. 


Now: imagine being Chris’ butt. You can practically taste all that celebrity sweat dripping down your crack, your puckering hole tensing in tandem with each guttural grunt. 


Just wait ‘till he starts doing squats. Chris loves those squats. He likes to go pretty low, spreading you out and stretching your muscles until you’re burning white hot. 



And when he’s done? Chris likes to spend some quality “me” time in the sauna. Of course, “me” in this case includes you, so if you’ve ever wanted to get up close and personal with Chris while he beats his fat donkey cock, this is about as close as you can get (unless you wanna be his dick, but that’s another conversation). 


Who knows? He may even stick a finger or two in you. It wouldn’t be the first time… 


So, what do you think so far? Does being a butt sound like a good time? Well just you wait because I think our final candidate has some attractive “ass”-ets. 


Meet Sam.



That’s right: I saved the best for last.


Sam’s ass is—for lack of a better word—legendary. This man has spent years and years sculpting those cheeks into two perfect globes of muscle and fat. To say they are his pride and joy would be selling it short. Guys come (and cum) from miles around to get a taste of Sam’s perfect butt… literally. Nary a day goes by when Sam’s hole isn’t filled with a dick, a dildo, or someone’s thirsty tongue. 


As such, Sam runs a tight ship down there. His butt is clean and well manicured, which means if you choose to become Sam’s ass, you’ll be treated like a princess (and likely called one too). 


And the best part? You’ll get a lot of sun. Sam doesn’t keep his ass hidden under suits or sweaty workout shorts like Cap & Chris. Quite the contrary; Sam seldom finds himself in a situation where his ass isn’t hanging out or on full display. You’ll be getting very familiar with his vast collection of jockstraps, singlets, and thongs. 


Needless to say, he can be quite the exhibitionist.  



Have you cum to a decision? Are you down for some “butt stuff” or are you gonna pass on this one?


But I already know the answer. 


I can see it, flashing in your mind’s eye. I’ve gotten very good at reading people over the years, at sniffing out their deepest desires and giving voice to their unspoken wishes. I know exactly which ass you want to be, you don’t even need to tell me.


After all, it’s not like you could anyway. Your transformation has already begun!


That’s right; there’s no use for talking when your mouth is slowly becoming an asshole, when your lips start to curl into a round, flowery sphincter. You may start feel each of your cheeks inflate like those of a chipmunk, growing and growing until they’ve consumed your entire face. You feel them gently touch each other, forming a crack over your former mouth.


You want to reach up and touch the miraculous changes occurring on your face, but you no longer have any hands to touch with. Your arms are gone. Everything is gone, in fact: your legs, feet, torso, even your own ass is missing.


Because nothing belongs to you any more. You are only a part of him, one of many muscles on a big and busty body. 



Ugh, you make such a cute butt, don’t you? Well, I hope you have a great time as Sam’s ass. Who am I kidding: I know you will! There’s already a big muscle stud with a 10-inch cock on his way to dump a load in you as we speak! 


Just be sure to let me know once you’ve had your fill of spunk and spit (among other things). 


How will you let me know, you ask? Oh don’t worry… I can just tell.


Have fun getting torn a new one!